The year that was

The year that was.

*2009*

Truly an eventful year with lessons that were learnt in the hardest way possible. Someone quoted “why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up” And by that quote, I’ve taken several hard falls that it actually came to a point where I wanted to give up fighting, resisting and living. It was too exhausting. The holes that I dug. Just kept getting deeper and deeper making it close to impossible for me to pick myself back up. But I did. Bearing in mind a life without living. Became unbearable. And so no matter how bad things seemed, I kept picking myself up with hope that it couldn’t get any worst, only better. And it did.

I’ve fallen in and out of love. Made mistakes I can’t unmake. Hurt people in my life that I never meant to. Met wonderful people that kept me going. Gotten myself in situations I never imagined possible 5 years ago in my adolescent youth when my thoughts and actions weren’t corrupted by temptation and urges to please people around me. Got my priorities mixed up. Lost friends dear to me. And gained a few along the way. Became homeless for awhile and now home is the only place I want to be. Questioned my own state of mind. Was I subconsciously manipulating people around me to meet my own selfish needs? Did all these problems keep surfacing because of inability to live a life without drama. I’ve had time where I sat down and evaluated my actions. Conclusion made? None. Just bad decision making. I refuse to point fingers because it solves nothing. The problems and the scars form the battles I’ve undertaken are still apparent. My image tainted. Severed ties with family members. Celebrations aren’t quite the same anymore. But I am grateful. Extremely grateful to those that had faith in me. When I lost faith in myself. Believing I was insane made it easier to answer for all the mistakes I’ve made, but it didn’t solve it. Owning up to it did. Now as I ponder on the year that was. I regret nothing. Every mistake I made has led me to this point. Mature and aware.

Mature in my decisions and aware of the consequences of every step I partake.

January

I was working in KDU. Learning the ropes of a stable work place. Wasn’t quite as stable as I’d hoped. But I learnt my way around. Here is where I met characters like Ronald.Jerome.Shashi and Kumu. Naga. Irshad. Shakti. Kak Zan. Mr.Muthu. Ms.Chua. Ms.Hannah and Joanne! Each and everyone taught me things to do and things not to. I learnt to smoke and indulge in meaningless lust in the workplace. Was unveiled to a whole new form and way of thinking by Joanne who is the most spontaneous person I’ve ever met. Do as you please when you please. Life’s too short to waste it second guessing. Shashi and Kumu taught me the meaning of friendship and dependence on that relationship. I learnt how to keep my cool in critical situations with people depending on me to perform. I took on more responsibility than I could handle. Nasser. He was my escape. Irshad. My conquest. Ronald. My mistake. I became someone I hated. Driven by pure lust and insecurity, requiring assurance of my worth from these guys.

Had sex this year. it became an unhealthy addiction which led to my mistake of letting people treat me like a whore. I enjoyed it while it lasted but not when the reality of my actions sank in. I became cheap. Throwing myself at guys that gave me the time of day. I lost my worth. Depended on the sexual attention I was given as assurance of my self worth. Because I was suffering from a severe insecurity complex. No matter how much I potray an image of confidence and vanity, no one knew how far from the truth it all was. I would’ve never known I was beautiful had it not been for all the boys that came into One Stop. And some of the men in One Stop itself. I was lost. Completely oblivious of my actions. What it had made me become. I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I paraded around in a farce. I was in pain and I found comfort in the random men that paid me any attention.

I got into university despite all this and attained the Star scholarship that I wanted so badly but unfortunately I got it in the worst circumstances possible. It was for KDU. I couldn’t go on there with the history that I had. The name I had made. The image I was known for. I needed a fresh start so decision was made for University Putra Malaysia where I would pursue my Bachelors in Communications. Majoring in Corporate Communications.

Despite all that, I am blessed with the people in my life that kept me going. To name a few would be Neda. Jon. Kim. Stef and Joey. They were there for me. Constantly just a call away to comfort me despite all my misdemeanors. They are my crying shoulder. Never tired from all my whining and drama. I was in dire need for acceptance. And they knew that. Now that I think about it. I couldn’t have been more of a fool that year.

I met Jon for the first time this year. After years of calls and chatting sessions on MSN. Finally we met. And on the day that we met. He introduced me to the twins, Ivan and Ian.and to Alesha and Vina. J

After months of indecent forms of fun. I had no idea how much more exciting hanging out with decent people were. I played pool. Watched a movie. Nothing sexual. But Ivan. He stood out. We immediately clicked. I didn’t understand the attraction. But it was strong. We held hands in the theatre, amused each other. I don’t know if it was just me. But I fell for him. Even more after jon’s birthday party, when we kissed for the very first time. Brief but memorable. Just about as memorable as kissing jon but that was accidental. J

Undeniably, I did have feelings for jon but that was just love between friends. I care about him a great deal because he is one of the few people that really get me. Knows me better than I know myself. Which is hardly something I can say about anyone else. I hardly spoke my mind out to anyone that wasn’t close to me. But jon always had faith in me. Especially when I lost faith in myself. He reminded me of who I was. And what I meant to him and that meant a lot to me.

Ivan.

Because you I ran out of reasons to cry. When the parties over, we will still belong to each other. You’re all the things I deserve for being such a good girl. You were there for me though I hardly ever deserved your attention. I held back from all my meaningless and senseless intercourses because of what you are to me. You’re the man I chose the only one that wouldn’t make me yours. You had every reason to not and every reason to. Constantly reminded that you and I were nothing more than friends because you weren’t ready to be tied down to me. Promise you won’t ever see me cry. Don’t bother be unkind. At times I wished you’d make a lady out of me. My thoughts always wandered off to you. I try so hard not to care but failed miserably. I love you, never knowing how you really feel about me. Are we more than just physical attraction. I’ll be fine. Everytime we do the things we do, I feel less of a woman because It reminds me of the person that I was. But I love you so I can’t disappoint you and I want you. And I know that he won’t break my heart without just cause. He annoys me immensely. Stamps on this silly smile on my face. I can have everything in this world but I’d sacrifice it all for him. I love you and all the things that you do. I try not to expect you to do something extraordinary. Because I end up disappointing myself. You know I love you so. And its new to me to love someone so much. I don’t know how to react to you. Sometimes when I get too close to you, I fall back. I am afraid to let you in me but in my heart is already where you are and maybe that’s where you’re meant to be. All those nights we talked over the phone, texted left me waking up the next morning smiling, I enjoy everytime we met because it felt right. When I don’t talk to you that night, I dream about you. This obsession has got me tripping.

To be continued. <3