Losing sight.

Sometimes in the high of Life, we forget the vows we made to ourselves.

I know i am a living testament to this statement.

*been 2 months and 3 weeks since my last post and plenty has happened.*

What i can remember or what has impacted me i shall note in this post.

UPM : Well, i have amazingly supportive and FUN friends here who have helped me through all the ups and downs of the past year that i have enrolled in here.

Studies taking a slight slide down due to my heavy scheduling. Baby said i took on too much than i could swallow and i hate to admit but he has a point.

Tried to let go of some of my obligations but failed to find anybody to fill in the post as Aquatic Club president.

sighs.

Will manage it the best way that i can. Don't know if i can still sign the contract for PutraFM deejay though i was offered the post. again another pending matter.

The more i am friends with different people i realise different things that make me question certain aspects of my friendships.

All i know is that i can;t exactly multitask to save my life.

Indonesia trip was postponed due to Indonesian brilliance.

i am gonna miss life lazing at home and being able to go out with baby as and when i please but to be very blunt, i need to revolve around my own orbit NOW!

*unrelated statement : I used to be Ms.Independant.. No man could ever hold me down. I allow myself to be held down by you. Don't squash me. Let me breathe. I still need to achieve my own goals and aspirations and make something of myself. *

Friends : JMC has yet to have a reunion eversince the Christmas bake off. sobs.

But i have gone out with stef to shisha with Daniel. Epic moments!

:D

Sutha came down for the weekend during the hols and everyday was eventful. Friday night bamboo palace. Saturday church with ivan and ian then dinner. boys sent to mum's boyfriend's place. Only thing was that the whole time i was texting baby so i felt bad that i wasn't giving sutha my utmost attention especially since its been almost a year since we last caught up with each other. Went clubbing with her and kim which was gooooood. reason being because it was completely innocent! :)

hehehe

just danced danced and danced till we had to take our shoes off from the agony it was causing our soles to scream bloody mary. LOL

just so happened that night was OUR two month anniversary.

:)

ok ok been putting it off but about BABY BOY, Ivan Valentine Bateman John.

~ he brought me cuppacakes to cheer me up when i was sick at work.

~ he helped get me medicine for my tummy.

~ sent me home everytime i panicked for missing my curfew or when i was too tired to take the train.

~ suprised me by coming to work during my lunch breaks.

~ takes me out for movies and nice meals.

~ he took me to visit my Papa's memorial.

~ helps me comfort my baby sis and friends when i don't know how to.

~ makes the effort to learn his way to my house via public transport.

~ leaves love notes on my laptop.

~ makes an effort to be good to my family and friends.

~ bought me chocolates that i adore from langkawi.

~ texts me everytime and never leaves me in the dark.

~ remembers important corny dates. 060410 230609 270609

~ always introduces me as his girlfriend even to his family.

~ extremely protective, a positive and negative trait.

~ appreciates me and cares for me.

~ the best i've ever had and could ever ask for.

BUT

like any human being is also flawed.

sometimes a bit too jealous over my close friends and when having arguments tends to bring up all those that intimidate him up to spite me.

when angry has little self control over the things he utters which obviously when provoked unintentionally are very very hurtful.

childish when it comes to his mood swings. little things put him in an insecure spiral needing constant reassurance which honestly is something i'm not very fond of doing.

I am one person who means what i say. So when i say it i expect to you to take it for what it is and not require me to keep repeating myself over and over again that it soon loses meaning. whatever it is. I LOVE YOU IVAN VALENTINE BATEMAN JOHN. Forever and ever after baby.

The idea of marriage scared the hell outta me till you came in the picture and suddenly the image just felt beautiful again. You are the only one i see myself with.

*take note : we still have tonnes to improve on, but with love and patience all things are possible. :) <3>

I realized that due to my relationship i give priority to him and have lost sight of certain aspects of my friendships like keeping in touch and such. I can't sweet talk anyone else because it feels wrong. I support his football team. I go out of my way and sometimes get myself into trouble for him. I avoid some of my friends because he feels uncomfortable with them. He is my everything and that was not what was suppose to happen.

Its too soon for me to put my heart on my sleeve and let it hang by a thread just like after all i've been through with guys. I know better. Somehow its easy for me to say all these things but i can't help it. I love him so much. Every waking moment of everyday i wanna just be with him. BUT not at the expense of losing myself and forgetting the vows i made to myself.

All in due time.

Once i'm back in uni, i'm sure i'll be able to get myself back in order.

* i have alot more that i wanna touch on but i have lost the discipline to keep writing.

Till my next post ;) stay posted.

xoxo.

The ramblings of a love crazed fool. :)

you see my last post dated 20/02/10

reading it again i felt conflicted.

Yes i love him but like any relationship theres alot to work on.

Saying you love someone is one thing,

but honey actions always speak louder.

I am sorta freaking out with the whole relationship thingy,

irony seeing as to how i wanted this for months now and now that

i have him, i don't know what to do with him.

I just be myself. and hope that its good enough for him.

Spoke to jon and vina about it and they told me its absolutely NORMAL to freak out in the early stages of a relationship.

OH SEE I DID IT AGAIN.

*IT referring to crapping on and on and missing the main point. *

I am officially in a relationship with Ivan Valentine <3>

06.04. 10

He picked the date. and yes it was over the phone.

But it was one of the most happiest moments of my life.

The stars seemed brighter. He said the moon was smiling in favor of us.

US. :)

with regards as to why THAT day?

For odd reasons, he said because it'd be easy to remember.

(TEN TEN TEN *suspense sound in background* )

Boys and added drama.

hahaha.

Went to celebrate with Jon, Vina, Lyndon and Ian.

went to play pool. And he held me so close and so tight so many times

i almost lost my breath.

I love him so much.

Everytime i think of that day i smile.

Our first date together as a couple.

Played pool and i won with him and won again with JON.

Luck of the irish? hehehe.

doubt it.

But i was so happy being HIS>

I am still so happy.

Anyways, now i bet you understand the contradiction i faced when i read my blog, knowing what has happened since then. :)

Funny huh?

See this blog of mine is for me to vent my feelings and thoughts.

I don't wanna be the kinda girlfriend that puts my boyfriend above everyone in my life.

I want him to understand that the people, everyone in my life mean so much to me.

I need him to be there for me and love me.

I need to know that we are in this together now and always.

I'm not in this for the short walk in the park.

I'm done with that part of my life.

i just hope that i can be all that he needs me to be.

And i hope he understands that there are times when i need to be a daughter. a bestfriend. a sister and a student. I have other responsibilities. and i can't make him my one and only.

But he will always be my baby.

The only boy that makes my heart go RAWR!

:D

He's my Joker and I'm His Harlequin.

<3>

*love life aside*

Think i'm failing this semester.

Majorly scared of how i'll do for my exams.

don't know how i'd fare.

Definitely not good this time.

Very very bad feeling about it.

Just trying to be optimistic abit about it.

Looking forward to everything that could be happening.

Indonesia.

Sutha.

Holidays.

Work.

Financial stability. *would be nice for a change*

My baby and me :)

And there i go again about him.

can't blame my friends for the nausea they get from my love epidemic.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I love that boy,

That boy is love,

My love , My Valentine.

Love you honey.

Happy One week Anniversary.

Thanks for putting up with my crazies. and loving me all the same. :)

You are the cheese to my macaroni.

Part time lover and Full time friend.

Good day loves.

Spread the love.

Oh and Jesus Loves YOU. :)

*honey told me to tone it down but i just can't contain myself*

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sex wins.

I know

I know.

The title alone seems quite intriguing.

Be warned i have a tendency of diverting off topic and going on and on

*there you go*

:)

Well anyways, here is how it goes.

Sex wins. Sex trumps everything.

Take note.

Love and SEX are two very different things. You can have sex without love.

But you can't have love without sex.

Sex is a need.

A glue. A foundation that binds.

Seals the deal.

But sex doesn't always have to mean so much.

it can be completely meaningless.

its not a want. Its a need.

I've seen the enemy and the enemy is ME.

I hold myself back.

and then i blame you.

WHY?

Because you are my chance at something worthwhile.

something not so temporary.

I'm sick of flings.

But here's what joey said to me last night which was beyond epic!

Made me laugh for two whole minutes!

" You are an 8 month old virgin now and for what? He's a catholic! "

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This later led to a discussion on why catholic men make bad lovers.

Did anyone know they slept in separate beds after marriage!

Oh god.

It made sense you know.

She could even figure out that he carries around a handkerchief.

He is not in to suprises thus will never be the spontaneous kinda guy that i yearn for!

god damn it.

Joey was right.

Its unlike me.

Stef was right.

I have said this numerous times and yet i am still with this fool.

Makes me a damn fool i tell you.

Before he came in to the picture, sex was a need. now its a luxury i don't have!!

*wails*

well actually i realised something.

I am a fickle minded fool.

I want him. But he's taking too long to make a move.

You see he met a girl who was seemingly quite interested in him.

and he didn't make a move on her.

He should've.

REALLY!

I am not being sarcastic.

Not all girls are like me.

when we met for the first time.

I asked for his number.

I made the move by casually thanking him for his company.

See in other words i do wear the pants here.

Its not anything its just that i know what i want.

He is living in his own little head.

So secure by the fact that he's got me no strings attached.

Thing is jon was right

*here i go again*

I am way too matured for him .

My take on things are way more on the bigger picture.

I see him as someone i genuinely care for.

My chance at something good.

Not that i expect him to be the world's best boyfriend or anything.

I don't really need a boyfriend right now.

He is already like one to me.

He treats me like i belong to him.

and i oughta feel good about it but really its confusing to me sometimes.

Like he'll tell me that he doesn't wanna hold me back and stuff but really the moment things seemed like it was getting better between me and my ex, he panicked.

what i don't understand is. if you're so afraid to lose me? then why leave me hanging!

MORON.

*sighs*

I am becoming too dependant on him to be around.

I bought the super savers thingy last night thinking that he and i would be talking till the wee hours!

but noooooo...

he got sleepy... and i was like a sad little puppy dog..

*seeming extremely clingy at this point*

No but see here. Almost everyday for the past week, we've been on the phone till 4..

So i was used to it.

So as a result of my foolishness in buying the pack without consideration to his SLEEPYNESS!

I called JOEY! :D

Which was great aside from the fact that thanks to me she was diverted from her original plans.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But i didn't realise how much i missed talking to her till the wee hours of the morning.

Haven't laughed so hard in so long!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

I really need to work on my priorities.

:)

He is not my number one or two or three. maybe four.

I am not making someone my priority when to him i maybe dispensable.

I can't take that risk.

Rawr!

End this note by saying i love JOEY! STEF! KIM! JON! NEDA! JOYCE! *miss you* VINA! PRADEEP! SHAM! AND most importantly SUTHASHINI!!*my piggie* and all the beautiful amazing people that help me through my madness knowingly and unknowingly!

this time baby i'll be bulletproof.

this valentine's day i realised how dependant i was on him.

expecting him to step up. make a move.

lost sight of what exactly he wanted from me.

see. he's not ready for commitments.

and i'm waiting for him to commit.

but really how different would things be if he did commit to me?

not much different.

we are known as an unofficial item by all our friends. *at least by the ones that matter*

we don't exactly hide our affections towards each other.

we text and call each other every day.

i miss you. you miss me.

how would things be different.

honestly i say these things just to comfort myself.

the risk of being all that i am with him

and not knowing that the affections are mutual.

risking the likelyness of him falling for another stick with perky breasts.

really. i am afraid that i can't stand by and watch him parade around with her'

so in order to avoid potential heartbreak.

this time baby i'll be bulletproof!

hehehe.

well actually.

i'll keep my options open. not get too attached.

focus on self enrichment.

improving my life for the greater betterment of my present.

make time for my friends.

work on my ambitions.

travel.

live my life the way it should be lived.

and on that note.

Thanks Kimberly Tey . You reminded me actually how much i really missed your company.

I am so sorry i wasn't there for you through all those lowest points of your life.

i'll be here any time you need me.

OH and i loved the ice cream! :)

Why do we need a guy to validate us? aren't our family and friends enough?

Really.

think about it.

We are AWESOME women with ATTITUDE and SPUNK.

Why do we turn into a blubber of patheticness when a guy says "i'm confused'" and "i'm not ready for commitment''

because to be quite frank.

we subconsciously want to live our own romantic love stories.

cling on to happily ever afters.

Blame it on DISNEY for putting these far fetched fantasies in our head.

and we subject men to these expectations.

and when they don't live up to it we get very dissapointed

are you cinderella? snow white? rapunzel?

why hope and wish for prince charming. when you're not the princess at the ball.

better yet stop living a fairy tale.

Life is just as it is.

we are not perfect. cherish each others perfections and work on each other's flaws.

don't expect the world from someone.

Be realistic.

we are all damsel's in distress one way or another. but do we need prince charming to rescue us or can we dig ourselves out of our own messes.

i think we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

and i am grateful i have you with me. you give me perspective.

my friends keep me sane *insane*

Yeah you!

;)

My family drives me up a wall but catches me when i fall.

I love you all.

<3>

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sighs

What i heard while listening through The OST of Gossip Girl - Season One.

What do we say if we're going nowhere.

We say we know better to never fall in love again.

What if its too late?

I detest how you make me feel.

helpless.

Happy.

Weak.

Strong.

Miserable.

Bliss.

You make me go through all these emotions just by being you.

So kiss me.

I always thought that i knew.

Now i know that i was wrong.

And there you are laughing at me.

Is it any wonder that i don't know whats right anymore?

Is it any wonder that i feel this way?


Its hard to know where i stand.

Sometimes i get the feeling that i am stranded.

How do i let you do this to me?

After all the company i've had with misery. I should know better.

But i don't mind going through all that as long as i have you.

Time out.

I'm starting to not make sense anymore.

Got a secret. Can you keep it. See this much is true. Lock it in your pocket. If i tell you. I'd have to kill you.

Well. Love. Here I am.

Without a trace.

Here we go. Life's waiting to begin.

Tonite.

Why do you care?

I don't deserve you.

I can't breathe.

Why must you do this with me?

We don't need to whisper.

I know why i didn't love.

and i know why i do.

Stories of a stranger.

Lovely.

A vision.

Now i stuck inside a memory.

U buried me.

Didn't you love me?

Drowning.

Deep inside your sound.

Your always floating.

A vapour i couldn't see.

Here i am. stuck inside a yesterday.

Run me straight inside the ground.

i wish there was cure for this insanity.

Madness

Do i feel the way i think i do?
I am at bliss at your presence.
At joy at the sound of your voice,
a smile comes across my face at the sight of your text.

Yet, when you're not around me.
I forget.
I act as though i don't owe an explaination to anybody
for my actions.
But the moment i am on the phone with you, i feel bad. Because i think i love you.

Do i?
I don't know.
Maybe i am just finding a reason to control myself.
Maybe i so sick of the thrill of the chase that i would settle for you.
Am i settling?

Holy mother of fuck!
What the hell.
All these feelings.
I rejected over 17 guys because of my LOVE for you.

I refrain from so many things using love as an excuse.
But when i am at a club. or just when you are not in my presence. i forget. you. me. us.

But why do i owe you an explaination.
Who are you to me.
A friend? i don't want any more friends with benefits!
I want you. i believe i really do love you.
At least i hope i do.

I do.

The year that was

The year that was.

*2009*

Truly an eventful year with lessons that were learnt in the hardest way possible. Someone quoted “why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up” And by that quote, I’ve taken several hard falls that it actually came to a point where I wanted to give up fighting, resisting and living. It was too exhausting. The holes that I dug. Just kept getting deeper and deeper making it close to impossible for me to pick myself back up. But I did. Bearing in mind a life without living. Became unbearable. And so no matter how bad things seemed, I kept picking myself up with hope that it couldn’t get any worst, only better. And it did.

I’ve fallen in and out of love. Made mistakes I can’t unmake. Hurt people in my life that I never meant to. Met wonderful people that kept me going. Gotten myself in situations I never imagined possible 5 years ago in my adolescent youth when my thoughts and actions weren’t corrupted by temptation and urges to please people around me. Got my priorities mixed up. Lost friends dear to me. And gained a few along the way. Became homeless for awhile and now home is the only place I want to be. Questioned my own state of mind. Was I subconsciously manipulating people around me to meet my own selfish needs? Did all these problems keep surfacing because of inability to live a life without drama. I’ve had time where I sat down and evaluated my actions. Conclusion made? None. Just bad decision making. I refuse to point fingers because it solves nothing. The problems and the scars form the battles I’ve undertaken are still apparent. My image tainted. Severed ties with family members. Celebrations aren’t quite the same anymore. But I am grateful. Extremely grateful to those that had faith in me. When I lost faith in myself. Believing I was insane made it easier to answer for all the mistakes I’ve made, but it didn’t solve it. Owning up to it did. Now as I ponder on the year that was. I regret nothing. Every mistake I made has led me to this point. Mature and aware.

Mature in my decisions and aware of the consequences of every step I partake.

January

I was working in KDU. Learning the ropes of a stable work place. Wasn’t quite as stable as I’d hoped. But I learnt my way around. Here is where I met characters like Ronald.Jerome.Shashi and Kumu. Naga. Irshad. Shakti. Kak Zan. Mr.Muthu. Ms.Chua. Ms.Hannah and Joanne! Each and everyone taught me things to do and things not to. I learnt to smoke and indulge in meaningless lust in the workplace. Was unveiled to a whole new form and way of thinking by Joanne who is the most spontaneous person I’ve ever met. Do as you please when you please. Life’s too short to waste it second guessing. Shashi and Kumu taught me the meaning of friendship and dependence on that relationship. I learnt how to keep my cool in critical situations with people depending on me to perform. I took on more responsibility than I could handle. Nasser. He was my escape. Irshad. My conquest. Ronald. My mistake. I became someone I hated. Driven by pure lust and insecurity, requiring assurance of my worth from these guys.

Had sex this year. it became an unhealthy addiction which led to my mistake of letting people treat me like a whore. I enjoyed it while it lasted but not when the reality of my actions sank in. I became cheap. Throwing myself at guys that gave me the time of day. I lost my worth. Depended on the sexual attention I was given as assurance of my self worth. Because I was suffering from a severe insecurity complex. No matter how much I potray an image of confidence and vanity, no one knew how far from the truth it all was. I would’ve never known I was beautiful had it not been for all the boys that came into One Stop. And some of the men in One Stop itself. I was lost. Completely oblivious of my actions. What it had made me become. I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I paraded around in a farce. I was in pain and I found comfort in the random men that paid me any attention.

I got into university despite all this and attained the Star scholarship that I wanted so badly but unfortunately I got it in the worst circumstances possible. It was for KDU. I couldn’t go on there with the history that I had. The name I had made. The image I was known for. I needed a fresh start so decision was made for University Putra Malaysia where I would pursue my Bachelors in Communications. Majoring in Corporate Communications.

Despite all that, I am blessed with the people in my life that kept me going. To name a few would be Neda. Jon. Kim. Stef and Joey. They were there for me. Constantly just a call away to comfort me despite all my misdemeanors. They are my crying shoulder. Never tired from all my whining and drama. I was in dire need for acceptance. And they knew that. Now that I think about it. I couldn’t have been more of a fool that year.

I met Jon for the first time this year. After years of calls and chatting sessions on MSN. Finally we met. And on the day that we met. He introduced me to the twins, Ivan and Ian.and to Alesha and Vina. J

After months of indecent forms of fun. I had no idea how much more exciting hanging out with decent people were. I played pool. Watched a movie. Nothing sexual. But Ivan. He stood out. We immediately clicked. I didn’t understand the attraction. But it was strong. We held hands in the theatre, amused each other. I don’t know if it was just me. But I fell for him. Even more after jon’s birthday party, when we kissed for the very first time. Brief but memorable. Just about as memorable as kissing jon but that was accidental. J

Undeniably, I did have feelings for jon but that was just love between friends. I care about him a great deal because he is one of the few people that really get me. Knows me better than I know myself. Which is hardly something I can say about anyone else. I hardly spoke my mind out to anyone that wasn’t close to me. But jon always had faith in me. Especially when I lost faith in myself. He reminded me of who I was. And what I meant to him and that meant a lot to me.

Ivan.

Because you I ran out of reasons to cry. When the parties over, we will still belong to each other. You’re all the things I deserve for being such a good girl. You were there for me though I hardly ever deserved your attention. I held back from all my meaningless and senseless intercourses because of what you are to me. You’re the man I chose the only one that wouldn’t make me yours. You had every reason to not and every reason to. Constantly reminded that you and I were nothing more than friends because you weren’t ready to be tied down to me. Promise you won’t ever see me cry. Don’t bother be unkind. At times I wished you’d make a lady out of me. My thoughts always wandered off to you. I try so hard not to care but failed miserably. I love you, never knowing how you really feel about me. Are we more than just physical attraction. I’ll be fine. Everytime we do the things we do, I feel less of a woman because It reminds me of the person that I was. But I love you so I can’t disappoint you and I want you. And I know that he won’t break my heart without just cause. He annoys me immensely. Stamps on this silly smile on my face. I can have everything in this world but I’d sacrifice it all for him. I love you and all the things that you do. I try not to expect you to do something extraordinary. Because I end up disappointing myself. You know I love you so. And its new to me to love someone so much. I don’t know how to react to you. Sometimes when I get too close to you, I fall back. I am afraid to let you in me but in my heart is already where you are and maybe that’s where you’re meant to be. All those nights we talked over the phone, texted left me waking up the next morning smiling, I enjoy everytime we met because it felt right. When I don’t talk to you that night, I dream about you. This obsession has got me tripping.

To be continued. <3

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